Castle Machinery
Castle Machinery is the twenty-third level in [[Crash Bandicoot (Game)|Crashles Bandickens's Crate Expectations]]. After a bit of a minor detour through New Nativitafarian historical territory and the various lametastic areas of the castle Cortex built on top of it, Crashie finds himself at the doorstep of the majestic corporate headquarters of Uncle Cortie's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Hamburgers. A hectic run-and-jumpy run-and-jump-a-thon-o-matic-i-diddly-doo through their flagship location's relatively labyrinthe kitchen is all that stands between Colonel Banders and his eternal fast-food rival, Uncle Cortie's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Hamburgers CEO Dr. Nitrus Brio! The rules are the same as the Colonel's last fast-food smackdown: *Don't get distracted by the otherwise safe cool blue pipes, which are used to pipe delicious and nutritious presentably dairy-like soft-serve Wumpa Fruit iced cream into the maws of waiting customers and/or wafer cones. *Don't even think about touching the steaming hot red pipes, which supply the never-ending cascade of trans fat oil necessary to create the restaurant's delicious and nutritious heart-swelling Un Petit Ooh La La Friés de Francais. *Be careful not to get singed by the bursts of steaming hot steam steaming up from the steaming hot steam cauldrons used to steam the then-new Steamed Bandicoot Steamwiches, intended to capitalise on the health fad of the time, but later discontinued because people don't actually want to eat healthy, despite what they claim. Even with healthy alternatives on the menu, customers still much preferred to devour Uncle Cortie's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Hamburgers's's delicious and nutritious USDA-acknowledged Uncle Cortie's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Cheeseburgers. But I digress. *And, as always, be sure to exercise caution around the always-irritable kitchen crew, consisting of Generic Robot Unit 8000s, Un-Holo-Projectors, and Uncle Cortie's Patented Robo-Pincushions with Robo-Periscopes! The Day the Muzak Died: The Always-Relevant Story of How a Bunch of PC Pussies Gradually Whittled Away the Once-Expansive Soundtrack of Oceanian Obesity! If you're like me, you enjoy eating at quick service "fast food" restaurant cuisine establishments. Ughhh. You fucking fatty. Well, um, anyway, I'm sure we'd all agree that the dine-in experience simply would not be the same without the terrible, terrible music that they pipe in, that annoys you to the point that you devour your food at extreme speed in order to get out of the aural hellhole that they've created for you. It's like a fasty foodsters tradition! And yet, anyone playing through this, or the other Uncle Cortie's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Hamburgers stage, will likely notice that there's only one track that ever seems to play in the restaurant chain - some piece of electronic douchebaggery composed by Mutato Muzika (a music production company comprising, in this case, [[Mark Mothersbaugh|Mark "Herbie: Fully Loaded" Mothersbaugh]] and Josh "Considerably Less Famous" Mancell). Many fans have incorrectly accused Aunt "Uncle" Cortie of extreme laziness in choosing ambient food music for his food restaurants, but this is not even remotely true - at one point, there was a vast rotation of songs played in his houses of "beef"-based debauchery! However, the scourge of entertainment worldwide (but mostly in Australia), the Oceanian Moral Committee on Oceanian Committee-based Morals, soon began to take issue with all the songs General Cortiewallis chose. Despite being an insane radical fringe group, as an organisation with "moral" in its name, local governments were practically forced to take them seriously! And so, our N-headed friend was forced to eliminate pretty much every song - except for the now-signature shitty instrumental, which contained no lyrics, as per Baby Jesus "Christicles" Demonstein's wishes. Why were the other songs considered objectionable, you ask? Ughhh. You overly inquizitive fucking fatty. Well, um, I guess you expect me to explain. And, well, um, I suppose I can a least manage a list of some of the most notable banned songs, and the reasons for their bannination, with a little help from my friend and also your friend but not your friend's friend, the first Power Star of Super Mario 64's Lethal Lava Land stage, "Boil the Big Bulletpoints"! *'They Might Be Giants' "Birdhouse in Your Soul"': According to the OMCOCM's Head Spiritual Advisors, Willy Marshmallowsburgh and Billiam Chocobartlett, the song's very concept is religiously offensive, for constructing a useless birdhouse in the soul leaves no room for a far more important construct, the Jesushouse. The Lord wants to live inside all of our souls, you see. (Except for the faggy fagsters.) *'Ace of Base's "I Saw the Sign"': The OMCOCM's Head Anti-Drug Kingpin, Anthony Northdakota, explains that the band's name is "probably a reference to the detestable act of freebasing cocaine, a true fact made even more probable by the fact that the group's members, these 'Berggen' people, hail from the detestable nation of Sweden - the cocaine capital of the world!" *'The Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight"': The OMCOCM's Primary Racial Purity Expert, Geoffery Davies, notes that the performers of this song might've been Negroes, though this is unconfirmed. *'Castle Mashed Creamery's "Go Go Happy Love in Hot Burning Fire Heart"': Geoffery Davies suspects that the performers of this song might've been "Chinese-Style Negroes". Willy Marshmallowsburgh and Billiam Chocobartlett add that this song is also a sinful personal affront to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus, who wants to live not only in the aforementioned souls, but in our hearts as well. And he obviously cannot exist in any heart that possesses the capacity for genuine love and/or happiness, you see. (Blame it on the faggy fagsters.) *'DEVO's "Whip It"': According to the OMCOCM's Resident Animoral Comptroller, Barry Grizzlestixx, the Whippet is one of the most immoral breeds of dog in existence. This is primarily due to the fact that, like greyhounds, Whippets are often used in canine dog races, that God-hating drunkards gamble their betting money on, usually while sodomising their male sex affair mistresses. Ughhh. That is just SO immoral of those terrible, terrible dogs! *'Gene Autry and the Cass Country Boys' "Frosty the Snowman"': As pointed out by the OMCOCM's Head Trademark Infringement Opposition Fighter, Cokey Pepseyberts, the Wendy's Dave Thomas's's Down-Home Old-Fashioned Hamburgers chain has already laid its sexy claim to the "Frosty" name. Rival fast-foodsketeer Cortie using the name in any capacity, even this minor, is just disrespectful, and also, douchebaggy. Marshmallowsburgh and Chocobartlett would like to add that building men, snow or otherwise, is God's job, and ONLY God's job! *'Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"': According to the OMCOCM's Acronym Studier Specialist, Helen Oleander Lynndale-Ebert, this seemingly innocuous song harbours a surprisingly dark message for, you see, its initials are WWW - revealing Louis Armstrong's secret endorsement of internet pornography. Maybe even internet child pornography! No wonder Armstrong's arm is so strong - he spends all day masturbating to kiddie porn!!! It's the only logical conclusion, you see. *'Cannibal Corpse's "Entrails Ripped From a Virgin's Cunt"': The OMCOCM's Head Political Know-It-All Josephine MacCarthy disapproves strongly of the band's Polish-American drummer, Paul Mazurkiewicz, as she suspects him of having minor Communist sympathies. Trivia *Multiple theories exist as to the meaning of this level's cyptic and mysterious name. The first is that it might be an in-jokey reference to "Castile machinery", i.e. the equipment used to make Castile soap. According to unreleased behind-the-scenes material, Mark Mothersbaugh is a walking encyclopaedia of soap knowledge, and gave a lengthy explanation of the modern mechanical method of making Castile soap during breaks while recording the music for this stage (and Heavy Machinery). In a similar vein, one supposes it could be an in-jokey pun on "asshole machinery", as Josh Mancell sports a similarly in-depth knowledge of the high-tech gadgetry in use in modern colonoscopy. *Alternately, the name could be an homage to the little-known underground J-trip-hop group, Castle Mashed Creamery. A few fans believe that their work heavily influenced Mancellthersbaugh's work on this game. *Yet another possibility is that it is a pun on a movement started by Connie Booth in the 1970s: "Cancel M*A*S*H Immediately!". She wanted the show cancelled, you see, simply to torment the American public, who loved that show greatly. The series made them happy, but she wanted to kill it, simply so she could watch their suffering in near-orgasmic glee. What a fucking cunt! *According to some fans, it is entirely possible to jump to the goal of this level from the starting platform, but it cannot be done. However, according to other fans, it is thoroughly impossible to make this impossible jump, even though it can be done. *This is the only level in the game - nay, the entire series - to feature a non-essential Gem Route, as riding the Green Gem-a-vator isn't required to clear the game fully. Instead, it just leads to a secret room containing a massive stockpile of Two-Dimensional Severed Bandicoot Heads. This, coupled with the colour of the gem, seems to be a sly and clever reference to the way that fast food restaurants are increasingly appealing solely to marihuana stoners - the one and only group who would never bother to protest the way the evil evil quick-service conglomerates are feeding them nothing but the worst, most disgusting cuts of the cheapest, shittiest meat available! (I'm looking at you, Taco Bell.)